I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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