I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
