i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
