A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
