put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
