Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
