Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
