I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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