when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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