I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
