dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
did i just pee glitter
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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