i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
