I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
