and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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