it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
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