a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
