Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
