if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
