alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
