I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
