She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Randomize
