I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
