Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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