Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
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