somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
farters have to be the big spoon...
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
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