did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
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