i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
