Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
