i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
