my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
