there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
