I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
