she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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