I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
