I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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