i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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