I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
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