Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
