You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
