At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I would ride that face into the sunset
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
