Dual....:-)
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
