But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
