Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
