I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
