I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Randomize
