The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
foreskin is a definite game changer
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
