plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
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