I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
