mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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