I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
