Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
