i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Randomize
